Burglary on the decline in Allston

Uhm, come again?

According to an article in this week's Allston-Brighton Tab, burglary in Allston has dropped by 77 percent since 2007. (106 instances were reported between January 1 and March 1 last year; there were 35 this year.)

So far, we've learned hand-biting and loud screams deter muggings. Does that mean shin kicks and blasting Carrie Underwood will send a potential felon running out the front door?

Probably not, since apartment booty (Macs, tupperware, virginity) far trumps that of a stolen purse (makeup, menstrual goods, Red Bull). But there ARE some things a girl you can do to stop it (sorry guys, I would've made a list for you, too, but statistics tell me we're the ones committing most of the crimes. Way to represent.).

Try these the next time a homeware-huntin' hoodlum breaks your bedroom window:

1. Assume it's your girlfriend playing a mean trick and start gushing about your heavy flow (clothing evidence not necessary, but will induce puke-and-run syndrome)
2. Fart. Nothing turns a guy off more than a breach of bodily etiquette. (When a guy does it, it's disgusting; when a girl does it, oh geez, it's just strange.)
3. Sleep with a machete under your bed. (Last summer, when I spent a month in the jungle of Costa Rica, it seemed a feasible defense.)
4. Dress like a thief; half of Allston already does this. This way, if a real thief gets in, he or she will assume they've been outpaced by a competitor. (All it takes is a hipster scarf tied around the neck- which can be quickly pulled up to the nose- and black skinny jeans.)
5. Learn to kickbox with Kendra from The Girls Next Door. (She may be wearing a hula hoop and Daisy Dukes, but Kdubs is a force to reckon with.)

[Source: Allston-Brighton Crime Drops]